| In the nut house.....tried and failed.....just.....stuck here forever. |
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| There's thunder and lightning here. The lightning looks so beautiful.....so pure...it lights up the whole sky....the wind is really blowing and the rain is really coming down.....there are car alarms going off and trees falling down yet it's still so hot. A real summer storm....the perfect night to leave the world...... |
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| I don't know what to write...or do...or say....everything keeps coming in flashes....last night was bad....my heart is racing and jumping like it wants to jump out my chest.....i want to close my eyes but i can't....i can't breathe.....it's too hot....its too cold...i don;t know.....i'm on the floor and theres a belt around my neck.....its going tighter and hes there......saying all these gross things....his sweat is dripping onto my neck....this trip is bad....am i dreaming this or did it happen? it hurts so much....i want to cry but i can't....it will only hurt more.....try and stay numb...try and stay limp.....don;t fight it...it hurts more to fight...my cheek stings where he hit me.....can I wake up now? Can I go now? Is it over? He's gone now...I start to crawl....it's over now....thats it....thats all.... |
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| Bad night last night. Don't feel good. |
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| The first time he did anything other than hitting me was on my 13th birthday. He said he had a special birthday party planned for me cus I was a teenager now.....and that it was just gonna be me and him. We were in the living room....it was pretty late at night and the only light was from the tv. I remember being forced down on my knees and closing my eyes, my mind and thoughts to everything but his soft laughter. I remember his sweaty, disgusting hands holding the back of my head. I remember feeling numb and wishing he would kill me before the night was over. But what I remember the most is that it was my 13th birthday and the end of my childhood. It's got worse since then.....been going on for the last two and half years....everytime it happens I hate myself a little more and some part of me dies inside....this is what taints my blood. This is why I have to cut. This is what is going to kill me. This is what has already killed me. |
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